Friday, January 12, 2007

about the cats

An anonymous commentator asks the Sober Husband, "I would like to know why the Sober Husband dislikes cats? (Unless this is a topic which would cause contention - but I am genuinely curious.)" Seeing as how this is Ask The Sober Husband Day, an answer was forthcoming. However, unlike the prior questions answered by the Sober Husband, I take issue with many declarations presented as fact in his answer, which are in actuality false! false! false! and therefore I have had to interject some actual common sense into the matter (see the footnotes). Anyhow, herewith I present to you the Sober Husband, discoursing upon cats:

I do not dislike cats. I love and respect them.* I appreciate their gracefulness, their prowess as predators, their delicateness, and their cuteness. I just don't like having them around the house.

They destroy property. They make the house stink.** They keep me awake at night. They coat the house in hair. They bloody my legs when I'm sitting at the table.*** They make me sneeze. They cost money.

Worst of all, we suffer these cat problems in proportion to the number of cats in our house, and my wife is always trying to bring in more.*** She tells me that some cat or other is temporary, and then begs to keep it after she has become attached to it. She frequently***** pleads that some cat or other is special and therefore should live with us. She thinks cuteness outweighs every practical concern. She would be a cat hoarder if I did not restrain her.******

Last month we had one that was listless, and so she spent $400 to receive advice that she should spend a further $1000 on cat dental work.****** If you love a cat, you can hardly let it die over money. And I'm not made of money. So we need fewer cats.


The cats carry ringworm, a stigmatized skin disease that infects humans*******. It is spread by spores, and it has become endemic to our house. We're obligated to disclose it to our guests and to the schools. Our daughter has a splotch of it on her face.

What would you sacrifice to save a cat? Would you mark your child's face with a communicable disease?

* He let our seven year-old read this, and she said, "But that's a lie! You don't love and respect cats!"

** I clean the litterboxes like a motherfucking OCD patient.

*** The last batch of foster kittens liked to jump into our laps at the table, which I will admit resulted in the odd scratch, but they, not being fools, learned to avoid the Sober Husband.

**** Foster cats come and go, and I have only asked to keep two of the many, many fostered cats.

***** TWICE. TWICE. Is that "frequently?" TWICE over a period of two years.

****** I spent huge amounts of time and energy trying to help save animals rescued from a hoarder in 2006. I am a responsible, sane animal-lover who would NEVER amass an unhealthy number of animals. Yes, I may become a crazy cat lady in my senescence, but a hoarder? Never.

******* The cat was moribund, and for the ~$400 the cat was hospitalized for the day, given IV fluids, given a number of tests involving both blood and urine work, administered both antibiotics and steroids by shots, and given multiple prescriptions. The cat, which had been running a high fever, not eating, and lying still in the closet, was restored to vitality for this. Yes, it is true that the vet is after me to spend ~$1,100 to have the cat's teeth pulled, but that does not discount the value received in needed medical intervention for this one year old cat.

******* It looks like tiny, round patches of eczema. No guest, schoolmate, or neighbor has contracted ringworm.


Anonymous said...

I believe every word he says, in exactly the spirit it was intended. Furthermore, I write in support of his position and would like to offer him my sympathies and encouragement. You, sir, are not a crook!

Anonymous said...

it sounds like sober husband really doesnt like cats...

Anonymous said...

I am also in full support of the sober husband. I love and respect cats as well and had a few until recently *sniff, wipe tear*. His comments we right on the money. That feline trail of tears through your house sounds like a difficult living situation. Does the DHW think the SH likes cats?

Anonymous said...

well obviously you need to start fostering dogs instead. LOTS of them! weeeeeee!!!

Anonymous said...

You know...

All I could think about as I read the footnotes with the main text was those Joe Isuzu ads from the 80s. All that was missing was a note that reads "Downhill, in a hurricane."