Today I woke up depressed, tearful, and angry. The Sober Husband had gotten up early and gone off to see his family. I sent Iris out of our room to fetch some coffee and allowed the children to watch cable tv cartoons.
Eventually the Sober Husband trailed back in, and got us all to walk over to his mother's rented house. Later I had an emotional talk with him, the children dispatched to rocking chairs on the hotel's veranda. I told him that he is just working through my love for him and that he's running low. Forcing this trip down my throat (and now this financial blow) on top of his neglectful behavior over the past year is exhausting the store of love I had for him. I also finally confronted him with something I'd held my tongue about, an arguably emotionally inappropriate relationship with the wife of his dying friend (which added hugely to my stress when the Sober Husband went to the extra memorial service in Chicago against my wishes. When I couldn't reach him by celphone and he was out of touch with me, I was convinced he had hooked up with her. In the end, after the Sober Husband didn't go further than his emotional entanglement with her, the new widow ended up moving another one of that circle of friends in with her... the very same alcoholic friend we let crash with us for months on condition he go to AA meetings, until he relapsed and nearly burnt our house down. I felt that this was the proof that her questionable behavior towards the Sober Husband had been playing for keeps; it seems her survival strategy for being widowed at age 40 was to start up again with one of her husband's close friends). I'd been playing that one cool, trying to be a sweet and loving spouse to win that one, which was easier because I didn't see them together. When I saw my husband hanging all over that other woman up at Camp Mather I exploded. The two things happening close in time together (after a long time, perhaps a decade, of me not noticing any inappropriate behavior with other women) is pretty lethal on top of his neglect towards me over the past year.
So what did I do to cheer myself up? I took Iris to the beach, and we swam. Then we went to Sharky's Cantina, and I got trashed off two drinks since I hadn't eaten all day. Under the influence, I dropped by a boutique and spent $600 on clothes for Iris and me. Then I went back to the hotel, took a nap, and then took Iris back to the beach around 7:00, and we swam more. I told the Sober Husband that it was insane of me to drop so much money when we are so fucked financially, but I was mad and felt also that I should spend while I could (if we separate or break up, I'll be on a severe budget). He's appalled to hear me talk that way, but I'm feeling so bitter and angry.
We later trailed over the to mother-in-law's rented house and hung out, but then I took the girls back to the wretched hotel, leaving the husband behind to chat with his extended family longer.
I've read your blog for a long time, almost two years ... I actually discovered it in the throes of depression, after breaking up with my college boyfriend of three years.
Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I think you're doing the right thing talking to your husband. Seeing a counselor is constructive, too, and I think you're doing what you can in a situation that's clearly pretty screwed up.
We're all reading along and rooting for you. Everything always works out, which is trite, but (I think) true.
you should cry to the MIL, ask her for money and tell her if she doesn't contribute her grandchildren will starve to death.
after all, SHE's the cause of this draining trip. and i assume if she picked Martha's Vineyard in peak season, she ain't hurting.
cry a LOT. crying always works for me.
ps. what did you buy for $600??? did you buy anything for lucy?
I wasn't paying attention to the prices; I picked two skirts and a tank top for myself (they are by Luna Luz, super fun and artsy skirts) and a dress for Iris. Iris's dress turned out to cost as much as my 3 pieces put together; it's by Betsey Johnson. (I bought myself a Betsey Johnson dress once which was much cheaper). Oh, well, Lucy will get a good run out of it after Iris outgrows it.
Pobrecita, I love you, come back home, love Joyce
<3 fro me!
Once again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. E-mail me offline if you want to talk.
ps. I didn't get anything for Lucy because this boutique had only grown-up clothes (Iris can wear some adult clothes in super tiny sizes because she is so tall for her age) AND because I bullied Iris into giving Lucy a dress the day we left which Iris still wanted. It fit both of them, but it was better on Lucy and I wanted it passed down to her for the trip. So this new dress replaces a cheap, thriftstore find with a Betsey Johnson. Sigh. I am an idiot.
thanks, ibj, Hugh, M, Carol, and Joycie for the kind words.
(())) I hope the remaining part of the trip doesn't get any worse, and hugs...(())) I'm so sorry it is like this.
Oh Jesus, you poor thing :(
Good for you for laying it all out for Sober Husband. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the rest of the trip passes without trauma. Spend as much time at the beash as possible.
You're in my thoughts.
Much love from Mondi the cat and me.
Oh, sweetie - what a horrible thing to be dealing with on top of the mother-in-law! I will keep praying that SH comes to his senses and starts working harder to keep you.
Mad, phat hugs and kisses coming your direction. I will try to call you when you get home....
Well THAT sucks. I'm virtually sending you hugs and this great passionfruit, frozen cocktailly thing I had poolside while the chillin' swam themselves silly.
P.S. I read my husband a few of your posts while we drove. He laughed, with sound. That means you are REALLY funny.
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