Tuesday, July 24, 2007

hallucinations

My mother-in-law was never really thrilled with the idea or reality of me, and we had some issues during the early years. As time went by, things gradually came to a sort of peaceful holding pattern, but those early years were certainly more colorful.

After baby Iris Uber Alles was born, the mother-in-law came to visit. On the last night of her visit, I bestirred myself to create a gourmet feast. The Sober Husband was praising my cooking to the sky, and the mother-in-law said, "Oh, it didn't seem that hard to cook. The only hard thing was grating the beets, and we did that." There was a silent pause.

Later in the conversation, the mother-in-law said to me, "I took LSD once and regressed to being a baby. Because of that, I know how newborns think, and I can tell you that the baby hates it when you play with her. You think she's enjoying it, but she can't wait for you to put her down."

I was shocked into silence by this unusual slam on my mothering abilities and its underlying rationale. With l'esprit de l'escalier, I thought later that I should have said, "Well, at least I'm able to distinguish between drug-fueled hallucinations and reality." (Indeed I myself actually took LSD once in my early twenties and God was revealed to me in the person of a green washcloth, but I didn't go on to found the First Church of God The Washcloth of Golden Gate Avenue. I did, however, bring the ex-husband in to meet God, and I was shocked when he mistakenly thought the blue washcloth was the divine one. "Oh, is that one the Antichrist?" he inquired). At the time, I just ate my beet risotto silently and seethed.

15 comments:

hughman said...

at least she admitted to taking LSD! i just used to see herons on the dancefloor and watch the wood move in an ocean pattern.

perhaps you are nothing more than a flashback. could be worse.

Silliyak said...

This is so cool man, my hallucinations are talking about hallucinations!

the Drunken Housewife said...

If we speak to you in little voices, will you obey?

Susan said...

Your MIL is quite a piece of... well, you know the rest!

Anonymous said...

I remember that one. That's not even your best MIL story, is it? We could write a book.

Carol Ann (nmitford)

Meeks said...

Good Lord (of the Green Washcloth), you are an angel for putting up with that woman. I'm not sure I could hold my tongue on that one. Impressive.

hughman said...

i agree. the MIL sounds like a bitch (hi SH!!!) but anyone who can work tripping on acid into dinner conversation gets some admiration.

Freewheel said...

Maybe you should have spiked the beets with acid and put her down for a nap.

Zhu said...

This post is so casually written, it's hilarious ! And I'm NOT on LSD ! :D

Your mother-in-law sounds like... well, every mother-in-law on earth. I doubt mine took LSD though :D

Melissa said...

I've noticed things are always easy to those who have never actually done much of anything.

She didn't even have the excuse of being high (ostensibly) when she made the stupid remark about baby Iris.

Most people at least realize the insanity of their drunken or drug induced revelations.

Thi said...

I happen to be a second husband for my wife. In a row, not concurrently; wouldn't that be a scandal? or a TV movie ...

All I had to be* was, uh, better than the first husband. So far, so good.

MY mother-in-law took LSD and all that good stuff in the 60s and early 70s. Good times, man, so I hear.

Like the time MIL and FIL had to ask the parking lot guy at the concert to park his car because the parking space was moving like a wave.

Sincerely,
Thi

* - Well, you just have to /appear/ better than the first one. Whatever that means.

the Drunken Housewife said...

I love that story about the parking space, Thi.

I was my first husband's second wife, if you follow me, and THAT mother-in-law was a prize. I was convinced it was because she liked the first wife better that she was so mean to me, and I finally aired that opinion to my ex, who laughed. "You think she doesn't like you? She REALLY hated my first wife." I've got to write about her sometime.

Chaos Control said...

You are a better woman that I for there's no way in God's Green Washcloth that I could have kept my mouth shut after her silly hallucinatory comment!!

Woman of the Year, you are!!!!

hughman said...

oh homey, after you any future wife should just cower in fear.

the Drunken Housewife said...

Chaos Control said, "You are a better woman that I for there's no way in God's Green Washcloth..." That put such a smile on my face! I love you, commenters!