Wednesday, March 21, 2007

a foray into live blogging: Hassenpfeffer and I watch "Survivor"

8:04 "Hass [sidenote: "Hassenpfeffer" and "Hass": nicknames for Iris Uber Alles], can you turn it down during the commercials?"
"WHAT??"
"TURN IT DOWN! Get the remote."
"Okay, but if I'm getting a remote, it's the big one!"
8:05 The Sober Husband enters the room to mute the booming commercial.
8:06 PM Hass turns back up the volume because the J.C. Penneys ad is "so cool!"
8:06:30 Hass accidentally turns off the TV.
8:07 Husband and child complain during Downy commercial that their beds aren't "as fresh as that" and "maybe we should buy that." Do your own damn laundry, fools!

Jeff Probst proclaims a merge betw. tribes. Husband interrupts this dramatic moment to say, "You know in two years we're going to have to buy an adapter for this TV?" He is summarily silenced.

It's a schoolyard pick, with the muscular guys going first. I'm glad my beloved Yau Man (from Borneo! where I once visited and wish I could live!) doesn't go last.

Husband interrupts me: "Is this clean laundry?" Why are they all so obsessed with laundry here today? He dumps out the laundry on the bed.

Lisi acts like an idiot, babbling at being sent to Exile Island, irritating everyone and highlighting her lack of wit.

There's no emotion shown in the room as former underdogs Yau Man and Michele and Andre get to move to the rich tribe's camp. Iris and I just aren't that into this season.

8:13 commercial time. "Mute please! Mute mute!" yips the husband in a humorous voice. "Yeeeeeew, it's McDonald's! Ewwwww!" shouts vegetarian Iris Uber Alles.

I inform them: "I'm live blogging this."

"You're WHAT?"

"Live blogging."

"On what?" Ummm, my blog.

8:15 "What is a boyfriend trouser?" asks Iris during a Gap ad. "Pants," says her father, sorting laundry.

"Pants for your butt!" says Iris, sticking her own butt out.

Lola can be heard in the distance, singing to herself in the bathtub.

"I can't scratch myself, and it's caused by your evilness, Anton" says Iris ominously. (He clipped her fingernails).

"Can you shrak me?" asks Iris. ["Shrak" means "scratch my back" in childspeak].

"No, I'm blogging." She reads over my shoulder and gasps. "You're SO RUDE!"

8:16 back to Survivor. Lisi is whining on Exile Island that she didn't get sent out of the game.

8:17 former have-nots are visiting new beach. "Life is better than ridiculous, it's ridonkulous," says Andre. I'm unimpressed by his neologism.

"Shrack, please," demands Iris.

8:18 Some nameless Survivor is a killjoy. Cassandra opens the champagne and says, "We're having mimosas!" and he says in a nagging voice, "Don't you dare have a hangover!" in a voice which reminds me of my mother's.

8:19 the all male, powerhouse tribe is on the poverty-stricken beach, and they're glad they have no women. "You don't need no stupid girl stories," says Rocky.

Iris demands a snack.

8:20 Lola demands attention. "Daddy!" Crying heard from other room, of mysterious cause. Anton goes to investigate.

Someone on Survivor rants about the Count of Monte Cristo.

Anthony is having a bad flashback to high school locker room shower experiences. "I'm a geek, I'm a nerd" he says, and he's afraid to take his shirt off.

8:22 "Aww, look at the cute bats!" says Iris at a wildlife close-up.

Boo is a construction worker. What kind of construction worker calls himself "Boo?" That annoys me.

Andre has delusions of grandeur. "Everything is going to go through me," he says. "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." I've never believed in that: keep your enemies close, and you're stuck with annoying people getting on your nerves; keep 'em far away and you can forget they exist. When my first mother-in-law lived in Australia, I was happy; when she moved back to the U.S., my marriage's health took a nosedive. Case closed.

Cassandra brings Andre and Yao Man coffee and tries to flirt. She is not good at flirting.

Andre has more delusions of grandeur: "Who has all the power? That would be me."

8:25 back to commercials. I get up for a glass of wine, asking Hass not to steal my seat.

8:27 I return, to find Iris eating oreos and leering at the computer ominously.

8:27:30 Iris says, "DUH! Say that I said that on your blog! DUUUUUUUUUH!!!"

8:28 back to "Survivor." Anthony has no one to trust and is supposed to be watching the fire. He feels lonely.

The manly men go off and smash at crabs with sticks and step on them.

8:30 Iris brandishes an Oreo at the screen, which crumbles. She must be admonished to pick up her dropped cookie.

8:31 a clean Lola enters, wrapped in a towel.

The men of the new all-man tribe catch several large fish. So why did the group living there before never manage to catch a fish???

"Right now, on paper we're a super-powah. Super-powah!" says Rocky the Boston bartender.

8:33 the new tribes go to the first challenge. Whoever loses will be stuck with the horrible Lisi!!!!

The contestants will be chained to a weird pole harness and must navigate a crooked course. Like so many Survivor challenges, it looks like it could be kinky but is falling short of that and is merely boring looking. Honestly, this is the dullest looking challenge I can recall. The camera shows a lot of people standing around by poles looking sweaty yet unappealing. No good dialogue.

The tribes start squabbling as they both try to maneuver through the same poles.

8:36 I honestly don't care who wins. This is the most boring season of "Survivor" ever, quite possibly. Why am I watching? Last season was so wonderful, such great television, with strong characters we cared about. I like Yau Man on TV, and I have the feeling I'd enjoy hanging out with Anthony in real life. The rest, feh.

8:37 the contestants are groaning, growling, and otherwise emoting.

8:39 the co-ed team wins immunity, and the all-man "super-powah!" loses. That is one good thing I like to show Iris which so often happens on "Survivor": womn outmuscle men.

Yau Man is thrilled to get to carry the immunity flag.

"I'll see you at tribal!" says Anton, mimicking Jeff Probst.
Iris calls him a dork. "only dorks say that, except Jeff Probst. Dork a loo. I'll just call you Dorky Dork McDork of the Dorks! Where's Dorky Dork McDork of the Dorks?" and so on.

"Iris, it's your bedtime. Carole, is the show over? Iris, you should get a broom and clean this up," retaliates "Dorky Dork McDork of the Dorks" without humor.

Anton begins to lose his temper and turns off the television and sends Iris out of the room to put on pajamas.

8:42 I take a slug of wine.

"Amazing Race" commercial reminds us of what quality television looks like.

8:43 Anthony calls himself "a black male Cinderella." I do like him. I'm probably getting attached just as he's about to be replaced with the loathsome Lisi.

Lola says "that place looks beautiful! Let's pretend tomorrow we'll play Survivor! On Survivor you only need panties!" (referring to the bikinis the women wear).

8:46 One Survivor observes that "Anthony is Rocky's little bitch."

Another bat close-up! Iris gets excited.

The husband's demeanor is crumbling. He's ready for bed, but the children are not flagging.

8:48 It's tribal council FINALLY.

8:49 I love wine. This wine has a picture of a chicken on the label.

Rocky is babbling incoherently about using words "ten minutes in the future or sometime in life." Jeff tells Anthony to "own his space." Rocky says "you can't back down from nobody at no point in your life." That is a really dumb philosophy, obviously from a non-parent. We parents know the wisdom of "choose your battles."

Rocky attacks Anthony: "You're effeminate, you're like a little girl! Put the skirt off!" Edgardo says, "I think that could hurt Anthony's feelings."

Iris leaves the room to get ready to bed. Jeff reads the votes. Anthony is voted out. We now have only Yau Man left worth watching.

Why?? Why??? Why??? Why have we wasted an hour of our time watching this lame shadow of the glorious past???

5 comments:

Freewheel said...

Hilarious! This proves that you need your own reality show. It'd be much more entertaining than Survivor.

hughman said...

this was another one of those "Bob the Cat" posts. i was like "who is hass? why are they there watching survivor?"

doh!

susie said...

this is SO what it is like at my house! And we have no children!

hughman said...

yeah, susie. except YOU. you're probably the one turning off the TV.

poor poor BT.

susie said...

BT is totes the grouchy tv turner-offer.
for sure.
i am the one who wants it on all the time!
And the thoughts are totally random... just like me!!!