Friday, June 23, 2006

The Worst Mess Ever: possible world record

This is a day forever burned into my brain: the Day of the Worst Mess Ever. These events transpired over a year ago, but the pain endures.

A friend of ours was hospitalized, and, to offer her a break from lackluster hospital food, I bought her a bag of fancy Italian yuppie groceries. After a long, tiring day, I asked my husband to take this over to our friend's bedside. Just before he left, and unbeknownst to me, he opened the refrigerator door so our toddler could play with the food (this seeming act of insanity was habitual with him: he grew up with a strong sense of injustice that his parents never let him hold the refrigerator door open for more than a millisecond, and he was hellbent that our children will always be able to have the refrigerator door open as long as they like). I was upstairs with our older daughter for the moment.

I heard my toddler crying, so I trotted downstairs to find that she had broken an entire dozen eggs all over the kitchen floor. She was covered with raw eggs; the floor was covered with raw eggs. It was so disgusting, and visions of salmonella were dancing in my head (I buy the cage-free, organic eggs normally, but You Never Know).

The broken egg slime covered a huge area, as well as the protesting toddler, and cleaning this up took some time. Within ten minutes of my clearing the last of that mess up, just as I was reaching for my bottle of Two Buck Chuck and the corkscrew, my toddler pooped, reached into her diaper, scooped out a handful of what was to her an artistic medium, and smeared it all over herself. This meant postponing Chuck as I moved into emergency bath measures.

During the ensuing bath, she grabbed a big handful of shampoo bubbles and smeared it into her eyes, resulting in a crying jag lasting a good twenty minutes.

When the husband returned home, happy and wanting to report our friend's progress, he did not receive the loving, eager welcome he'd expected.

If anyone can report a worse toddler-caused mess, I'd be happy to yield the title of Worst Mess Ever. Misery does love company!

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