Sunday, November 08, 2009

11 motherfuckin' years

This weekend marks the 11th anniversary of the Sober Husband and I trying marriage out together. We had two marriage ceremonies: we sensed that our minister was flaking on us right at the time of our wedding, so we ran down to City Hall alone on Friday and got a homeless guy to be our witness. On Sunday we went ahead, with my father reading the vows, with the ceremony (not telling anyone we'd satisfied the legalities on Friday, as it would have been strange for the relatives who'd flown in from the East Coast and midwest to see us going through a faux ceremony).

Most of my friends and law clients back then(funny to think that eleven years ago, I mostly hung around with my devoted law clients) were incredulous that I was going to marry again, after an increasingly acrimonious divorce following a ten year relationship. Indeed that incredulity seemed appropriate for a year or two recently, when it looked like we were going to call it quits (and many blog readers were saying, "Just get it over with, for god's sake"). But! My idea of divorce from this Sober Husband (as opposed to the first husband, the Scotch-Drinking Husband) at the darkest days, meant something like selling our house and buying a duplex in Pacifica or Daly City, so we could each have our own separate living quarters and allow the children to swarm back and forth at will. Thankfully after a year of intense marriage counseling and a serious and obvious commitment on both parts, we worked out our differences and didn't have to sell our adorable Edwardian.

I will say honestly that fixing our problems was the biggest, hardest, and most adult thing I've ever done. It would have been much easier and more ego-gratifying on both parts to call this over and move on to separate adventures (with Iris and Lola absorbing the shrapnel). But the miracle has been that, after all that hard work and highly expensive marriage counseling bills, love rekindled in what was, after all, intended by both parties initially to be a meaningless fling betweenst two people who met at Burning Man.


hughman said...

you sincerely get my highest respect. you recognized that one thing successful relationships require (and what is often overlooked) is work which is sometimes very difficult. i have been to a "marriage" counselor with my psychotic ex without your winning result. it was my idea (of course). i found the therapist, scheduled appointments and tried my hardest to no avail. (my ex was horrible and was exposed as a blatent liar during sessions). it really only works if you both are committed to having it work. all to say, your strong intention is extremely admirable. may you keep your effort in mind for years ahead as proof that hardship can be overcome and love is worth the effort. you should be proud of both of you. i am.

Silliyak said...

Congratulations! (Insert cheesy new years horns and falling confetti) You have accomplished a great feat and are deserving of much more accalim.

Freewheel said...


J9 said...

Thank-you for letting us all know that people can stay together if both are willing to do the hard work and make the difficult choices. My husband and I are going through a particularly rough patch, and it is VERY difficult. The counselling is rough, the discussions are brutally honest and difficult to have, and we keep seeing similar events in our friends lives play out in the easy way out. It's good to hear from the other side and that it is doable!

hughman said...

silliyak forgot the most important part - bottles and bottles of champagne!

Amy said...

"what was, after all, intended by both parties initially to be a meaningless fling betweenst two people who met at Burning Man."

LOL. Me too. My sweetheart and I met through a CL ad for a casual fling but now we're talking marriage.

ps: I know I owe you email and will be writing soon as I can stop ****ing for long enough.

Carroll said...

Excellent news! Hard work well-rewarded. Far too many people give up far far too soon. What a great example to set for your girls :-)

2amsomewhere said...

(pictures this chapter of Drunken's memoirs having the title "What's an Edwardian between a couple of lovers, anyway?")

It pleases me to know that the two of you have saved your marriage. As expensive as counseling can be, surely it beats the heck out of going to court.

(raises a glass of Riesling)

As someone who has benefited from guidance from both of you many times over the past few years, I am grateful that our paths crossed.

Wishing you and your family much happiness in the years to come, and no shortage of love in the times that are difficult.


Carol Ann said...

Congratulations. I have nothing but the deepest respect for people who work things out.

Missy said...

Big hugs, from Missy.

The one thing I know, after 25 years of marriage, is that it takes work and grace to make a relationship work.

I'm so happy for you and The Sober Husband that you are at a good point now.

Yay for you. :-)