In July the Sober Husband was suddenly fired from a wonderful job he loved and was very good at. Overnight we had no income. Later in July he had surgery he is still recovering from, and he is not one of the world's better patients. Since then we had two huge disputes about cash: first, over the tiny travel trailer I bought before he lost his job and secondly over my dear cat Frowst's dental surgery, which cost $3,700. There has also been some other marital stress which I would rather not discuss. I also had a falling out with a friend which was very traumatic.
And now, we received word yesterday that my mother had unexpectedly died in the night.
Also, I'm turning 50 in two weeks, which I'm dreading.
This is really a four month stretch from hell.
My deepest sympathies re: your mother. But in a different way than I assume that most sympathies are given. I know your relationship with your mother has been difficult. When my father died I thought, wow, now there's no re-do. Now there never is a time to either tell him what a fucking lousy father he was, or have him say to that he had trouble expressing it but he thought I was a great kid and smart adult, which probably wasn't the case but for many years I wanted that. And perhaps he should have apologized to my mother for the truly unbelievable bullshit he put her through. Nope, it's all written in stone now. I've come to believe that the survivors need to emotionally just chip away at all that stone so that we can lead healthier emotional lives that aren't dictated by ghosts of the past.
::Hands you a chisel::
That's exactly it. Now we'll never fix things.
I tried talking about our relationship to her a few times but it never went anywhere and just made her more distant from me. I had so much resentment over her being uninvolved with my own wonderful kids while deeply involved with her other grandchildren. It's never going to get fixed.
You can perhaps feel better that at least you tried and feel sympathy for one who was so damaged that she was unable to connect with her own flesh and blood. What kind of a life must that have been like? My own father was deeply deeply damaged, but was better when he died at 50 (I was 20) I have done some genealogical research to try and find the" root of the crazy" and have found some clues... Anyway, I'm sorry for the loss you are all likely feeling. Exercise, do yoga, breathe repeat
You have my sympathies. Be gentle with yourself. -- Anais
I promise you, as time slips away, the difficult memories of life with your mother will fade and be replaced with more soft, fond memories, no matter have few of them you have.
I had a tumultuous relationship with my mother although I loved her dearly, and in ways her relationship with my 3 children mirrored your mother's with your two girls.
I didn't have the opportunity to say a proper good-bye. She suffered a series of strokes 4 days after her 73rd birthday. The damage was too great and by the time I reached the hospital, there was only the shell of where my mom used to live. Her body held on for 6 more days. My siblings and I sat bedside through those horrible last days, laughing, crying, remembering the good times, waiting.
I stayed by her side those last 24 hours wishing I could take back every horrible thing I had ever said. All I could do was hold her hand and say "I love you and I always have." She died 3 days before my 50th birthday and I was with her at the end still holding her hand. She was my mom and I was her first born. In a way I claimed a birthright.
Over these last three years, time has been kind to my memories of her and I hope it will do the same for you. Forgive yourself and forgive her.
Your blog is one of my favorites. My mother died unexpectedly five years ago. My heart goes out to you.
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