Wednesday, June 01, 2011

so very very wrong

My dear, angelic-looking little Lola is a terrible influence on me. She's leading me straight to hell (which may be appropriate, as around the age of 5 she kept informing us that she was the devil).

Last night eleven year-old Iris uber Alles told me that one of her friends has insulting nicknames for her parents. Iris felt it would be funny to make up an insulting nickname for me as well and started trying different ones on for size. "Two can play at that game, Iris", I informed her. Pulling out all the cliches, I went on: "I wouldn't go down that road if I were you."

Iris was unmoved by that threat. In response to her insulting nicknames for her mother, as well as her failure to do her chore for the day (sweeping around the parrots' cages), I informed Iris that from thereon she would be referred to as "Crapchild", after "Betachild" failed to get enough of a rise out of her.

"Hey! That is not fair!" shouted Iris.

"Finish your chore, 'Crapchild," I said. Lola, having already done her own chore, basked in a sense of superiority, giggling nearby.

"Don't call me that!"

"I won't if you stop calling me things and if you do your chore," I said. Iris balked. I upped the ante: "I can think of worse names than 'Crapchild.'" Angelic babyfaced little Lola leaned in and whispered confidentially in my ear, in a lilting little voice, "Like 'Fuckchild'?"

I spat out my Vitamin Water.

"What? What?" an incensed Iris demanded. I shook my head at her. "I'm not going to repeat that," I said. I looked at sweet little Lola. "How can a cute little child like you say things like that? How do you even think of them?" Lola beamed proudly.

Iris glared at me even more fiercely after getting Lola to whisper the nickname into her own ear. I tried to defend myself. "It's not me, Iris! It's Lola! I didn't even say that." Fighting back, Iris tried calling Lola "Gammachild", but it failed miserably as Lola found it pleasing to the ear and failed to pick up on the more insulting implications. Iris's anger reached greater heights. Pandering, I offered, "Finish your chore, and I'll promote you to 'Sugarchild.'"


hughman said...

omg, you SO have to watch "Bob's Burgers" (you can find it online at Hulu and elsewhere). the youngest kid (who always wears bunny ears) reminds me SO much of lola.

Silliyak said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Silliyak said...

I'm worried about SH stepping into the room at an inopportune moment and getting a triple barrel blast of estrogen infused nicknaming.

(Previous comment deleted for spelling error)

NonymousGoatsePants said...

My kid has an ongoing parody of me at work. he pretends to type on a PC keyboard, reaches over to grab an imaginary cup of coffee and slurps out of it, then points off in the distance and yells, "You're a moron!" I told him it's pretty close, but I don't actually yell out moron, I just think it.

This led to us calling each other morons for various offenses. A couple of days ago, he called me a moron, and I responded with "Carter Farter!"

He immediately responded with, "Fatty Daddy!" I was speechless, and appealed to the Mommy. She responded that I started this, and had to deal with it.

My son starts singing, "Fatty daddy, he's a baddy. Now he's all saddy!"

I had no comeback. I was utterly defeated -- by a seven-year-old.

hughman said...

Well that's a real staple on your ego stomach.

NonymousGoatsePants said...

I have to wonder if he had already thought this up, and was saving it for an opportune time, or if it was just off the cuff.

I haven't decided which is more devious.