Thursday, August 13, 2009

Iris has answers!

Ages ago we here at the Drunken Housewife did Ask The Lola, where Lola answered a variety of questions. One satisfied customer raves, "I actually asked Lola a question last time around and took her advice! I was trying to decide whether to get a large dog or a purse dog. Lola advised large and I then acquired, from a German Shepherd rescue organization....a Belgian Tervuren. Since she came to live with me, she has foiled two prowlers at my home. Thanks Lola!" Ever since we ran Ask Lola, older sister Iris uber Alles has been consumed with rage, and as a result, Ask Iris had to occur. Iris has a lot to live up to, little sister Lola having actually foiled crime with her guest column. Let's see how she does:

2 AmSomewhere asks: Q1: You know, this whole "dominion over everything" role probably exacts a great toll upon you. Have you considered shifting the scope of your power base to something less overwhelming, or at least rebranding away from the "├╝ber Alles" image to something a bit kinder and gentler?

No. I am powerful so my name has to be. I am ruler of everyone, and they should look up to me.

Q2: How was the deity status of Frowsty established? Is there a mythos behind the mightiness?

He loves being powerful. When he was small and just a puffball, he acted like he was king. and he was. He even claimed his throne, which is on top of the tv. He still sits there.

Snowqueen said,"Iris, I would like to know what is the thing you find most puzzling about grown ups?"

They do not appreciate tv. even cats like to sit and stare. I see them do it all the time. especially at the simpsons. Adults say that tv makes you stupid. I have never heard a more absurd thing.

Laggin asked,"Does your nickname have anything to do with the Dead Kennedys?"

Maybe. A long time ago, I wanted to have a nickname like daddude does. and so we had a contest. Silliyak came up with Iris Uber Alles, and it won. I didn't come up with it.

Davi inquired, "I am currently locked in an epic battle with the villain Maleficent, in the game Kingdom Hearts, and I've already been KO'd once. What battle tactic should I employ to ensure victory for myself and my comrades, Goofy and Donald??"

KILL EVERYTHING. As you must know, We love world of warcraft. and in warcraft at least, you have to kill! I have died so many times because I hesitated. I tried to just walk around them and hide. That was a very wrong thing to do.

NonymousGoatsePants said, "Hey Iris! How long do you think it would take for you to be good enough at WoW to beat Mom-dude? Think you could do it in a month? Two months? Or, are you not good enough... Let us know!

Ok, dude. We have been playing warcraft since the dawn of time. meaning a couple years ago. I have never beated her. But according to tv, nothing is impossible except for dinosaurs.

Transient Me said, Dear Iris, If somebody gave you a million dollars, what would you spend it on?"

More money. I would create a Ponzi scheme, and I would sell soap.

Summer asked, "What are your feelings on bugs?"

Ohhh, I hate them all. except bees. many people hate bees. But they are so small and fuzzy. But I hate mosquitoes so much! Why can't they just all die. I also like spiders, but only the ones that dance.

Silliyak inquired, "What is your policy on the treatment of peons?"

Well, they are like feet. more like shoes. Sometimes they are stupid, and you have to move them yourself. Sometimes they give you blisters. You need to order them around. "Okay right foot, mush! Left foot now! Mush!"

Coyote Blue said, "Iris, should I keep growing my hair out or cut it?"

Keep growing it out until you get lice and somebody says, "Cut it! Cut it now!"

Kim said, "Iris, how should I keep my kids from bickering so much? And should I intervene or let them work it out?"

Well, You should intervene just so much that they feel threatened. then they will be scared and forget everything. then you make pie, so they forget about being threatened. Then everyone eats pie and is happy.

Debbie said, "I want to make my little sister as miserable as possible. I am 58 and she is 51. What do you think I should do?"

First, wait until her birthday. Then make her a pie. then say, the pie is not for you. then she will say, "it is my birthday." then, you must say, "Oh, right. here is a card."
Then you hand her a very ripped piece of paper that says, "you are old." Then, you cut a piece of pie. then you pick it up, run around the room shouting pie pie pie! then she will feel awkward. then, you throw the pie in her face.

Julep said, "Hey Iris, I'm getting married in December and I'm trying to figure out what I will give my guests as favors. I think I'll give the grown-ups wine or some other kind of alcohol, but there will be a lot of kids there too. All ages from 2 up to 19. I need to figure out what to give the kids (since I can't give them alcohol). I was thinking about a mug full of chocolates or something, but I thought maybe you would have a better idea. Is there some kind of candy you think all those ages would like? Or something else entirely? I need specifics, I have no idea what to do!"

Chocolate coins. Kids love chocolate, they also love money chocolate coins combine them both. then, maybe there should be a little bowl of assorted candies. You let them spend the money on candy. 1 coin for two candies. then, you get the chocolate coins they spent, and give them back to the kids evenly. I wish I went to a wedding with that.

Also, I would like to say, since nobody asked the question, you need to always assume threats are hollow. with the exceptions of; death threats, threats from your mother, and, death threats from your mother.

you can also ask more questions by commenting on this post. I will answer them!

And, I will give you some spare advice; follow my advice.


P.S. I am supposed to tell you that Lucy had a question. I guess I will answer it. here it is.

Lucy said; My cat keeps meowing at me. Should I take it to Wag hotels or should I say that I am very stressed out with my sister, she should be ashamed. Ray Charles should be ashamed for meowing at me A LOT for ten weeks, but only a little. I have a little hex bug named rob champ. and from all this, I need a stress monitor. Who do you suggest?

I suggest the tv. Thats my final answer. Also, that's my hex bug! and that's not his name!!! He looks like his;

And there you have it: the wit and wisdom of nine year-old Iris uber Alles. Ask more questions in the comments if you dare.


Anonymous said...

great advice! Threatening I've got down. Now I just need to learn to make pie.


Vodalus said...

what is a hex bug again?

Anonymous said...

Your kids are effing RAD.

the Drunken Housewife said...

Vodalus, a hex bug is a tiny robotic insect I bought for $20 at the Robogames. It's absolutely adorable. It walks forward until its antennae detect an obstacle, at which point it changes course.

Joyce said...

The part about threats made me want to pee my pants. Iris, I would like to know, why does my father think it's OK to put on football during my birthday dinner? Thank you, love, Joyce

Amy said...

Dear Iris,

My ex is growing out his hair, which men over the age of 50 should never, ever do. I have considered letting him know this but (a)telling him would involve talking to him which is almost too annoying to bear and (b)since he is my ex maybe it is none of my business. However, on the other hand if I do tell him he has a better chance of getting a new girlfriend and not annoying me anymore.

What should I do?