Monday, January 19, 2009

the Great God Lola answers readers' questions

The Great God Lola, a six year-old self-styled deity, has deigned to accept questions from the readers. Herewith the Gospel as dictated to the Drunken Housewife by the temperamental deity:

J9 asked, "Who's nicer, Mommy or Daddy?"

Okay. (Laughing). They are both pretty nice. And very NICE to ME. (Nine year-old Iris says, "You've got to put down that she screeched that.")

Crazy Mo said, "I always buy Honey Nut Cheerios. I want to try something new. What cereal should I buy when I do my groceries?"

Cap'n Crunch is GREAT; you should try that!

Hughman asked, "What do you want to be when you are an adult? Who is your favorite princess? What does your home look like?"

I always wanted to be a Hannah Montana. Rock star. My favorite princess is Princess Garbage. My home looks like a giant white building; it's very nice, with a cababahead that lives here. [Editor's note: we do not live in a "giant white building"; Lola watched the inauguration today and is clearly thinking ahead].

Silliyak mused, "In a no holds barred cage match with Frowsty, who emerges victorious?"

FROWSTY! [The editor must note here that older sister Iris was screaming "FROWSTYFROWSTY
FROWSTYFROWSTY", which clearly affected the interview subject].

Melissa said, "What book are you reading right now? And what's your favorite book? Have you read Tale of Despereaux, and did you like it?"

I haven't been reading, I haven't decided. [The older sister, Iris Uber Alles, was banned from the interview area at this point due to excessive interference aimed at making the interview subject look like an idiot, by pressuring the Great God Lola to provide witless answers]. My favorite book is Cinderella. I haven't read Despereaux [editor's note: her older sister owns a copy but hasn't started it yet, having gotten sidetracked into the Harry Potter series].

Davi says, "My cats are slowly, but surely, destroying my apartment. There's Simi the Spazmatic Kitty, fat male Siamese, and SoCo with Lime, my boyfriend's pretty little bar cat. How do I put a stop to the destruction?!?!"

Get lots of cat toys! They're crazy about those! Just wriggle those when they're doing all the killing department, and then they'll run around. Well, sometimes. But that works best!

Kim said "What kind of dog should I buy? A pocket dog or a big one, like a German Shepherd?"

A pocket dog sounds cute, but a German Shepherd? I think that is a nice dog.

Snowqueen said, "If you ruled the world what is the first thing you would do to make it a better place?"


Laggin asked, "What's the best thing about having a sister? (Yes. It must be a GOOD thing.) Would you rather have a sister or a wart on your nose? What's the best poem you've ever read?

Actually my sister, she's kind of bossy, but really, she does things. Like chores. And sometimes she helps me, cababahead. I would rather have a sister than a wart. Have I read any poems? That is the question. I've read some fairy poems; they are pretty nice.

Hughman weighed in again to posit, "What would be your favorite piece of trash ever? Who is your favorite teacher and why? What's the best word in the world?

My favorite piece of trash would be recycling, an old Izze, a kind of drink bottle. Ms. Capiello because she's just so nice. Once I was in the bathroom and they were lining up and she helped me. The best word in the world is [made-up nonsense word which Lola was unable to spell for her transcriptionist].

Vodalus inquired, "Which is prettier: the Mandarin Dragonet or Mantis Shrimp?"

The Mantis Shrimp; it is like a peacock!

Joyce asked, "How do I adjust a pattern to make room for my big butt? And what is a better color, orange or green?"

I don't know anything about sewing. Orange is a nice color, but green is a GREAT color!

Is there anything else you'd like to say to the readers, Lola?

Even though orange is a sports color and I do like sports, I would still stick with green. It is even on my uniform!

So there you have it: wear green! Acquire German Shepherds! Enjoy some Cap'n Crunch!


Unknown said...

I think Lola is set to give Obama a run for his money. She is very wise, this one.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Lola!! :)

hughman said...

what's a cababahead? i've never heard that word before!

Anonymous said...

Thank you Lola for answering my question and an excellent answer if I might say so. Green is my favourite colour too.

Dread Pirate Davi said...

I bow in the face of your wisdown, Oh Great God Lola of the Western Sea. (translation: Pacific Ocean, so that she may rule over those pesky was sharks that made her afraid of swimming, righ?? I can't remember now...) I am eternally grateful for the advice you have bestowed upon me, and my kittehs are forever in your debt.

the Drunken Housewife said...

Yes, sharks indeed (which have been dubbed "hair sharks" by Silliyak, as the original nightmare was that the sharks bit at Lola's hair). Lola was also convinced by an awkward New England Aquarium billboard last year that "in Boston there is a wading pool for kids with SHARKS. Don't take me there."

Hughman, there's nothing defective in your slang vocabulary. Lola and Iris invented the word "cobabahead." I spelled it "cababahead", but I found Lola had written it in my notebook with an "o." I don't know what it means. Sometimes it's used derogatorily, sometimes positively.

hughman said...

whew. i thought you had taught your children some ancient mayan knowledge that i would never learn. i am (from your depictions) unable to discern how to decipher them. are they angry hairy beasts? mystical wood creatures? denizen fairies who inhabit big white houses? i'm so confused.

the Drunken Housewife said...

They're a pair of little freaks who drive their mother crazy. The older one is a mutant; the younger one superhumanly cute and manipulative.

Silliyak said...

You could get her a stuffed plush shark and name it Herr Shark!